Paris - Bedlam Touristics aka Foux da fa fa

Well it's certainly been quite awhile since i've done one of these things. Round Christmas, Lee raised the idea of heading to see our Parisian friends, from down under, sometime in the new year. This sounded like a fine idea but i knew it would be a right pain trying to find a weekend where a reasonable amount of people could make it, as well as having enough time to save some funds too, so i thought later in the year would be a bit more feasible. I messaged around and most people raised interest but i knew very well that talking about something and actually doing it are two very different things. The general consensus was that May would be best for most people and we were soon all booked up. Not everyone could come (Marie, Skinner, Jon, Nina and Jamie mainly)  but with Vera, Louise, Francois, Alexis, Lee and myself all signed up (plus a few other guest appearances), it was more than enough for a quality weekend. It just meant the Bruno blow-job gags would be somewhat limited.
So fast forward a few months and i was heading out of the country for the first time since my return from Australia a near year prior. I'd been fucking ill the previous week, like actually puking like a school kid and this hadn't happened since the 90's(my mother correctly pointed out it actually had a lot, but was usually blood making an appearance) so it was with some relief i was near back to normal the day of the flight. The usual joke of a Metro journey started proceedings (i had to sit opposite a man with no neck or discernable facial features and a bloke with a carrier bag of porn. Nice.) but i was soon at Newcastle Airport, only to be greeted at the baggage drop off with the suite of 30+ school kids returning from a trip. Urgh. I must have reacted to this sight like a broken man, as the girl working the line took one look at me, laughed and then said i could go straight to the front of the business check-in. A rare spot of luck i thought, however, this was fast negated with finding out that not only would i have a school trip on my flight, but a stag do too. A rugby stag do no less. Fuck everyone. Thankfully all their inane banter was drowned out by my iPod and a little over a hour later we were landing in Charles de Gaulle airport.
Louise had graciously allowed Lee and I to stay at her flat and sent me instructions on how to meet them at Gare de nord. Just as well she did as i was a mass of confusion when i got to the airport train station and when i actually got on the train things got more concerning - the train was flying through every supposed stop and i became paranoid i was going to end up in the south of France or somewhere, so it was with some relief when it finally made its first stop at Gare de Nord. Matters were made a bit more bizarre by the sight of an old man playing accordion and then shoving his wallet in all the passenger's faces. I soon found out though that this was a fairly common practice in Paris (acting like a tramp with no shame).
Lee and Louise were waiting with Vera and Alexis and his trademark rollerblades quickly following, as we enjoyed a rather expensive pint. Alexis went straight into his Bedlam entertainment guy mode laying out the whole evening's plans for us - we were heading to a flat warming party then a place called Cafe Oz, turned out the party was Agathe's too, which was cool. You'd have thought it had only been a day since we'd seen each other rather than a year. Vera and Alexis headed off while me, Lee and Louise headed to hers to pick up some beers to await the arrival of Francois and her friend Geoffrey. They soon completed the set and we were off to Agathe's via an incredibly confusing metro service. Each journey seemed to take at least 3 changes of line.
We were baffled on arrival as it appeared that Agathe lived above a Citroen dealership, which was pretty odd to me, not as odd as the lift that only had room for 1 and half persons though. Weirder still was when Francois decided to find the party by ear. He had no idea what flat was hers so just blazingly stook his ear to each door and banged on the one that had the most noise behind it. I was slightly disappointed when he got the right one, i was hoping he'd have just woken a psycho up. The party was nice enough but predictably full of French so conversing was a difficulty.  Not that we had time to converse as me and Vera were freaked the fuck out by the sight of a bowl of cauliflower on the table. Crisps and booze, fair enough but who serves raw cauliflower? Madness.  The world's gone mad. The fact that everyone had bought presents for the new flat disturbed me too. Does that happen in England? Or am i just an arsehole? We did meet a rather nice American girl there called Morgan, which was a rare treat, especially a yank with taste too. Time was getting on so Louise and Geoffrey headed home while the rest of us made tracks to Cafe Oz. Not before Francois decided to steal a toy monkey from the flat, as you do. Someone wanted to steal a pirate hat too but i felt this was a tad excessive. Plus i'd have been embarrassed when everyone found out just how big my skull actually is with my head making the pirate hat look like a jewish skull cap.

Cafe Oz was a right throwback. It was exactly the same as the Gaffe except it was probably more Gaffe than the Gaffe. It also differed in that i shockingly did not get thrown out! Score. Alexis described it as a 'party bar' and it was certainly that. The place really was jumping. The 'authentic' aboriginal art was also a delight as well as the Tooheys New on draught. Less delightful were the prices - $8 a pint and $10 for  short! That didn't stop us having a good night though and the monkey Francois stole lapped up the attention. Everyone wanted a bit. Some top quality raving from Lee and Vera especially, but with time hitting 5am we decided to had back to Louise's. Nice to find the taxi's were a lot cheaper than the beers too.

Hangovers were slept off the next day, then we headed for a quick and rather nice meal before heading to do 'touristic' activities, as Louise and Francois put it. Predictably we headed to the Eiffel Tower and it was what it was. Still a feat of engineering though and the surrounding parks were lovely, it's just a bit brown for my own tastes. With bars being so pricey we decided we'd be better served just going to a 'supermarche' and getting some drink from there, so that's exactly what we did once Vera and Alexis joined us. At some point during the day Lee decided to invade our minds with singing Flight of the Conchord's 'Fou da fa fa' on repeat. Come the monday everyone to a man was muttering it to themselves almost in a trance like state.

After a few hours in the park we headed to Notre Dame cathedral to meet some of Louise's friends, who just so happened to stay at Bedlam in Sydney too. The surrounding area was really nice actually, with the river running past and everyone was just casually walking about drinking, so we decided to just get more drink and sit by the river all night. It proved to be a good idea as another top night was had. Alexis and Vera returned with Agathe too and i soon had polished off a full bottle of vodka to myself. I particularly enjoyed Geoffrey informing me he'd never met someone who knew so much about music but he then shamed me by telling me about his band whereas i can't even play a triangle  One strange occurrence was a guy mumbled something to us, but got no reaction, so he just casually stole some vodka and fucked off. Parisians really proved to have no shame over the course of the weekend. Boats kept going past we're we sitting too, everything from wedding receptions to dinner dates were onboard but i didn't fancy it myself. Too confined, i like to roam. The night was again getting on so we headed off but unfortunately missed the last connected metro, leaving us stranded at Bastille. It was basically a giant roundabout with cars flying all over, leaving it incredibly difficult to get a taxi. Not that i was in much of a state to flag one down after the vodka, i basically stood at a traffic light clicking my fingers until i heard someone shouting at me and Lee. It took far too long to realise it was Francois in a car but we were soon back at Louise's. Not before trying to get in the wrong flat and jumping on a kid's bike of course.

The hangovers were shockingly ok the next day so we headed to Arc de Triumphe as Louise saw Geoffrey off. It soon became apparent we had no idea why any of these monuments were here and information around the sites were light, i guess those Oz experience drivers were pretty handy for that type of stuff in Australia but was an impressive sight none the less. We then headed down Champ-Elysees passing some Jonah/ Summer heights high street dancers which was a laugh and i had to get a present for Sonny. The Disney shop saved me as ever but fuck me, was it mental. People were spending $300 a time and it was like a mad house. Job done though and then we headed to lourve. This was probably my favourite spot actually, it's where the Mona lisa is held but the underground building is just ridiculously well done and designed. Upstairs was an even bigger delight, with the parks, architecture, pyramid roof and fountains. Both me and Lee commented on how you just couldn't have something like this England. People would either fuck it up or they'd drop in some high rise buildings to hide the amazing view of the city. V and Alexis again joined us before we unfortunately had to say goodbye to Francois as he went off muttering 'Foux da fa fa...baguette.....boufff!'. Another trampy occurrence happened before that, as a random guy asked if he could have some of our maltesers then ran off with the whole packet. I don't know where these people get the balls. Fucking embarrassing.

Alexis the took us to the Paris version of Kings cross, of course it wasn't quite as seedy but what else is? We stopped for a meal with Morgan from Friday joining us and to say i was intimated by our waitress was an understatement. She was fucking intense and i felt she could kick off at any moment. I made a right tit out of myself too - she was pouring my drink but was over stretching and well, i didn't know what to with my hands so kind of tried to aid her but didn't and looked stupid in the process. Socially awkward as ever. Vera found this very funny but thankfully Lee trumped my embarrassment by spilling his drink all over. Much appreciated.

Our final stop of the weekend was a cool little irish bar. It proved a good choice as they had an acoustic band on that were EXACTLY the same as the Sugarmill on a Monday. They even played the exact same setlist which was a nice little bit of nostalgia. No free jugs or wristbands mind. The bar will also be remembered as the place where i had my first ever Guinness at Archard's pushing. I have to say, it was pretty decent. I'd have another.  Sadly this was the last event and the long goodbyes came next. Talk quickly turned to where we'd go next - Munich for Oktoberfest? Berlin? Maybe london? So i doubt we'll go another year without doing something. Me and Archard headed back to Peltier's before departing ourselves the next day. This time though there was no accordion player, just the mother from The Godfather 'singing' something inaudibly. She received no dollar as ever

All in all a tremendous weekend was had and it was great seeing everyone. Nothing brings you back to earth like a metro journey home mind. Fucking heartbreaking.

Song for the Day: What else?