We went down to Coogee beach on the Friday evening for a nice BBQ (obviously after waiting year for the French to sort their shit out as usual) and i decided to bring a few cans and the like along. As soon as i opened the first one the police turned up saying fines were to be had if we hadn't finished our drinks when they returned since it was now "sundown". What i resented about this was that it took about 25 of them to do this with horses in tow too and all they were doing was basically stopping people from enjoying themselves. They should head over to the Cross and do something worthwhile like getting rid of the tramps, crack heads and all the idiots fighting, too much to fucking ask of course. I fucking hate the old bill. Eugh. I was rather tired with it being the day after Rock and Roll Thursday so wasn't up to much chinwagging or socializing with people i didn't already know so spent most of the night bullshitting with Miss Scott, though i did rather enjoy a text from Francois asking "if i wanted any sweets". We soon hit the revelation that there was a Gelato store in the vicinity so Claire very graciously got me the promised "two scoops". It certainly didn't disappoint, i must say. And yes i've just waffled on about glorified ice cream but it was ore than that, it had become an event in my Sydney stay due to the build up anticipation. I shall always remember my first Gelato.
Back to Mardi Gras, the whole city was dressed up to the max, semi naked, naked or just covered in fleuro. I found myself in the Empire with Paul, Chicken, Gene and Mal telling some of the best takes i've ever heard. I can't do them justice but my favourites included them jumping in a police car on holiday by accident as they were so drunk they thought it was a taxi until they picked up a shotgun. " We don't have police cars in Ireland Gary,.....our police cars are fucking tanks". My other favourite involved them spiking a rival 5 a side football team with viagra before a game just to see what happened. Genius. The Cooee hostel had put on a free BBQ on the rooftop so after a text from Louise demanding my presence there we all headed down (not before seeing a rather unbelievable photo of Owen's outfit).
It had been kicking off there for awhile by the time we got there so things were quite banging to say the least. The scouse girls were already dancing on tables, there was much nakedness, paint and plenty of drag to go around already. I think it was only about 2pm too, this was certainly going to be an interesting one. With the drink flowing the first highlight of the day came early in the form of a wet T Shirt competition, this meant being pelted by a hose really. The first person to step up was a mashed, face chewing, naked irishman who could barely relax his face, he was a fucking disgrace to be honest. I tried talking to him but he could only communicate in noises. Second up was a German girl who made the mistake of actually trying to be sexy, not thename of this game love where buffoonery wins all and youain't Selma Hayack performing in the Titty Twister either. Bedlam boy Declan was third and Jesus Christ did he put on a show, screaming like a madman, getting his balls out, pushing them against the glass and just being off chops. What a site. Two English girls brought up the rear with one being less enthusiastic then the other. The one who i refer to as "the mess" tried and failed to get her tits out, then she tried to neck on with the other girl and just acted like a horrible horrible person. She basically tried to perform a molesting in front of tens of people, maybe the least sexy thing i've ever seen. Prague included. No "Licky Licky" remember Stevie! Decky of course won after his "shocking performance".
Another highlight came in the surprise appearance of Andrew to the festivities, not being one for dressing up as he "feels like a knob" it was great to see a man look so uncomfortable with his surroundings. He really did need to "man up". It was brilliant to see his reaction to getting covered in orange face paint though - necking 4 beers and then saying "I cannit move me face Gary, it's all gone too dry". This was repeated about 4 million times. Due to the early start everyone was getting rather messy with the scouse girls clearly thinking it was a sprint not a marathon; we even started taken bets on what time they'd crash out, i felt 7:30 was just about their limit. As the day moved along we decided to quickly head back to the hostel and then get down for the parade starting and hopefully see some of it. Obviously not before getting some drink with Lee for the journey and having a few "Jeffs" to set the mood.
It should take about thirty minutes to walk from The Cross down to Oxford Street but the state we were in it would be a miracle if the group made it together at all. Half way down i was talking to Chicken the four beer wonder and realised i was nearly as drunk as him, then i looked about to see i was one of the sober ones, with 600,000 people lining Oxford Street it really was going to be interesting to say the least.
One of my "skills" is being able to negotiate through mass crowds at festivals and gigs to get to the front so my barging through technique done me well here too, i somehow managed to get to The Gaff a full thirty minutes before everyone else but that probably has as much to do with them being useless. Thankfully i didn't have to wait around as Alexis, Agathe, Louise and Paul were already there waiting for us. We went in to get "stamped" but the bouncer was an arsehole (shocking i know), he wouldn't let Paul in whcih may be the biggest joke of all time for that place as for the first time ever he was sober. This man's had two bottles of whisky, been shouting let's go fucking mental and still walked in casually, so decided now he couldn't was a joke. He does have constant stoner eyes to be fair even though he doesn't touch the stuff. This left me to get the whole group in but the bouncer kept it up, i told him we were from Brado's and he just shrugged his shoulders to say "and what?". Prick. He got agressive for no reason then Taus on the door said "you need to make a decision guys, pay 15 or leave". Condescending bitch, she stayed in the hostel and could've spoke up for us but we're too common for her,. I told the bouncer to speak to his boss and low and behold he came back with his tail between his legs and let us in. Job done.
I went to finally have a gander at the parade but as Claire predicted, I just couldn't see a thing despite being 6 foot plus. Somehow my Stalker "Marie the girl with no face" managed to find me, yeah, 600,000 people and you just so happen to randomly stand right in front of me. That giving me a mild panic attack i decided to shoot off rather then talk to her and head inside The Gaff. Thanks to the screens in there I managed to actually see the parade and to call it flamboyantly brilliant would not do it justice, they certainly got involved. Around this time the scouse girls finally hit the wall and had to be driven home by a staff member, Lee was the winner i think with his 8 o clock prediction. This set the standard for the rest of the night with everyone being as drunk as they usually are at 4am but this being 9pm, they tried so hard thinking "it's too early, i must keep going" bit it was just too much. People straggled back to the hostel the rest of the night in varying states (including an Argentinian girl who had to be carried) and i bet nobody actually got to see the parade. I think i was the last one up at the late time of 12:30 before i gave in too, i was so drunk i eat a pie face, McDonalds and a kebab in succession completely forgetting i'd just eaten 4 minutes prior each time. Bad times. The final highlight did come with Melanie arriving at the hostel after being m.i.a all day, she was fucked and angry. She managed to rant and rave while smoking 20 fags in succession, i'd never seen it done before but it certainly was entertaining.
The next day was more goodbyes, after much drama, tears, beers, false starts, hiccups and all the rest Andrew finally got on his shuttle to leave The Cross. I could not do justice to the tremendous scenes that was his exit, i felt like i was in a John Hughes picture. Alexis and Agathe left earlier too leaving the long termer's dwindling fast. Melanie left the next week, Louise after that and then it was time for me to join them...
Song for the Day
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